And now a down 4

Fair warning: This is a happiness-free zone today.

Things had been going really well. I was really happy, and having a lot of up days. This morning I woke up and it was the opposite. That is the nature of bipolar disorder. Now I just have to hope the down won’t last long. I was supposed to make a med change to lower my antidepressant, but I’m not changing anything right now.

People think depression is crying and feeling sad. But really it’s feeling nothing. I tell people I am feeling sad to spare their feelings, for one. If I say I am feeling sad, they think they know how I am feeling, and they think there is an end in sight. If I tell them I am feeling like I don’t have the mental energy to even look at the phone when it rings, they seem to worry more. So I do tell people I am sad. But it is a cover, like so many things in my life are.

Basically a depressive episode for me involves a lot of doing nothing, watching endless TV without the distraction of checking and replying to emails. It just feels too big to get out the computer, even though it is sitting on the couch next to me. How can I ever explain or help anyone on the list, I don’t even have the mental energy to read most of my email. Or I read it and can’t figure out if it is something I should reply to or not. By the time I get to the end of the email, I can’t remember what the start was, or why anything is important, or why I even bother to try to interact with people at all.

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4 thoughts on “And now a down

  • Team Blue

    I’m just gonna throw this out there…in the course of over three decades of MI and at least a decade of chronic illness (from diagnosis, but it had been there many years before)…folks who truly want to help can’t if you don’t present honestly. You might be surprised at what changes(help wise) when you tell the real folks.

    I don’t have bipolar, my “chart” does make a dysthymia statement but that’s really minor in my grand scheme. Howevs, I do understand the “nothing” and the brain fog/low energy. Bottom line is, you do matter, you deserve to take up space, and you do deserve whatever help anyone offers. That I can promise.

    You might want to add some of those things to your WRAP plan, so you can look at them as needed during the crash periods. Just a thought. Sending you hope for the light 🙂

  • Deborah and Eowyn

    Veronica, you know me, if only from a previous list. I have bi-polar too. I know what you mean, I really do. And the hardest part is trying to get someone to understand. I don’t have a lot of up days – sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself when they happen. With a lot of meds, well, I get thru….depression can be like a depression in the earth. A big empty, because what’s the point if there’s nothing but empty? There are days when if I didn’t have to take care of Eowyn I probably wouldn’t move at all. Hang in there. I won’t say things will get better because how do I know? Just know you have people thinking of you.