Fair warning: This is a happiness-free zone today.
Things had been going really well. I was really happy, and having a lot of up days. This morning I woke up and it was the opposite. That is the nature of bipolar disorder. Now I just have to hope the down won’t last long. I was supposed to make a med change to lower my antidepressant, but I’m not changing anything right now.
People think depression is crying and feeling sad. But really it’s feeling nothing. I tell people I am feeling sad to spare their feelings, for one. If I say I am feeling sad, they think they know how I am feeling, and they think there is an end in sight. If I tell them I am feeling like I don’t have the mental energy to even look at the phone when it rings, they seem to worry more. So I do tell people I am sad. But it is a cover, like so many things in my life are.
Basically a depressive episode for me involves a lot of doing nothing, watching endless TV without the distraction of checking and replying to emails. It just feels too big to get out the computer, even though it is sitting on the couch next to me. How can I ever explain or help anyone on the list, I don’t even have the mental energy to read most of my email. Or I read it and can’t figure out if it is something I should reply to or not. By the time I get to the end of the email, I can’t remember what the start was, or why anything is important, or why I even bother to try to interact with people at all.