Since the pandemic started, I’ve been feeling quite capable and almost normal. I’ve been actually thriving not having to leave the house except for grocery shopping and doctors appointments. I’ve been able to be more social with friends virtually, I’ve been able to get back into cooking, I’ve been doing more dog training, and I really thought I was getting more “normal”.
But yesterday and today have reminded me how little I can actually do.
Yesterday I did five small things. Normally I limit myself to one or two things at a time. But these were all very small things, very short in duration, and close by each other. I thought I could handle it.
I went to pick up some donated vests for PSDP. Then I stopped by Panera to pick up soup for a friend who was in the ER the night before. I dropped it by their house, and picked up their paper prescription. Then I took that to the pharmacy, waited for it to be ready, and dropped it back by their place.
Really that doesn’t sound like a lot. I wasn’t even gone that long, a little less than two hours. And I was able to stay in my car for most of it. But I guess the stress of doing so many different things got to me. My brain wasn’t able to handle it.
When I got home I was totally overwhelmed. Hestia was glued to my chest for a good part of the evening. I went to bed at 7:30 because I just couldn’t stand to be awake anymore.
That feeling has carried over to today. I haven’t been able to get anything done today. I only just managed to fix and eat lunch, that seemed like a herculean task. I can tell I’m not going to be able to train Hestia today, and of course I couldn’t manage to train her yesterday, either.
I have to do my kombucha making today, and normally this is the time I would be doing it. But I just don’t have the motivation, it seems too overwhelming, too many steps to focus on and too hard to accomplish.
Luckily that’s the only thing I must do today, make kombucha. I will probably chat with some friends today, too. But forget about all the other little things I wanted to do today– some cleaning, a walk, training, cooking brussels sprouts, and so on.
It’s just sad to me to realize that I’m not as far ahead as I thought I had gotten. That the restrictions of the pandemic are artificially making me think I’m more “normal” in my abilities, but when it comes down to it I’m still the same severely disabled person. I thought I was doing so well, and then it hits me how little I can do.