Considering hospitalization 5

Content warning: Suicidal thoughts

It’s been a rough day. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I want to not be here anymore. Very strongly. I more not want to be here, not wanting to be present than actually wanting to do something to kill myself.

I am considering hospitalization, but I am leaning towards not going.

You see, I used to be suicidal like daily if not weekly. When I was suicidal so often, it was easy to not go to the hospital, because I always felt this way so it was “normal” to be suicidal.

With the addition of Latuda, I am not suicidal all the time anymore, which is great. But now that I am feeling it, I don’t know how seriously to take myself.

So that’s where I am. Not wanting to live. Not knowing how serious it is.

Brad has hidden all my meds. He is watching me. So I am safe for now.

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5 thoughts on “Considering hospitalization

  • Gwen & Nell

    I’m sorry your mind is feeling so yucky; and right before the convention no less. 🙁 Nell and I are sending Hestia lots of good vibes and energy to help her care for you. <3

    • Veronica Morris Post author

      Thank you. Hestia took a break from helping me when it got to puppy dinner time. Instead she sat and stared holes into my head until I fed her. But other than that she is doing great.

  • Veronica Morris Post author

    Thanks so much to everyone who has reached out. I’ve decided to hospital at home. If I go inpatient they will want to change my meds, and I don’t want to do that. I’ve had several conversations with friends which has helped, and Brad has hidden my meds. Brad is going to keep an eye on me all night.

    Some of you may know that I have PTSD from childhood bullying that started in 5th grade. One particular incident I had, a fellow student tried to strangle me to death in a classroom while the teacher had left the room. So the case of the local 5th grader killed by another student at her school has really hit home to me today. That and some other stuff has made tonight just crashing down all around me.

    But I am doing better. I was at a 2 on the mood scale before, and now I am at a 3. So that is really good and thanks in large part to my friends and support. Hey, at least I can talk about why I’m feeling bad now. When I wrote my blog entry, I couldn’t bring myself to explain.

  • Connie

    I live with suicidal thoughts all the time too. Hang in there… glad you have someone there to help you through this. I enjoy following you and learn so much. My PTSD Service Dog is my angel and my cats also help even though they don’t know it……