Today I have been very fragile. When I woke up to feed pups breakfast, I was doing great! I had all kinds of thoughts about becoming a biology teacher, and teaching the whole course as a lab class so students would experience everything they learned about. No more memorizations, more critical thinking and understanding how experimentation works. I stayed up for about an hour with those thoughts, then fell back asleep.
(Brad says that fantasies can be healthy, but it would be healthier not to think about suddenly becoming a super-normal person as if it were a very nearby possibility. He says this only leads to me beating myself up when I inevitably fall short of a goal that would require bizarre changes to the laws of physics.)
When I woke up for real later on, I was not doing so well. I am feeling really overwhelmed and very fragile. I am not handling any type of conflict well at all. In fact, I was so fragile I couldn’t even handle watching Judge Judy! I just hid under my blanket on the couch.
I don’t know exactly how to describe how I’m feeling beyond the word “fragile”. I feel like I am a piece of china on a high shelf, ready to fall and shatter at any second. Or a wine glass reverberating at its resonant frequency, about to break apart.
Hestia and Ollie have been helping as much as they can, well, mostly. When they thought it was puppy dinner time (I am in the process of moving dinner time to a later time), she and Ollie just sat in front of me staring at me, willing me to feel their hunger and feed them earlier. Other than that, though, go doggies. Tomorrow will be better I am sure.