TRIGGER: suicidal feelings but much less triggering than my last two posts.
Thanks to everyone who has sent me support! It really does mean a lot! My new hourly plan is at the bottom of this post, and it’s also in the comments section of my 72 hr plan post.
Yesterday was still hard. I was rapid cycling back and forth between suicidal and happy. That means I’d be really depressed, and then 30 min later, I’d be really happy and laughing. Then back! I didn’t go manic, which is a good thing! But I wish I wouldn’t go suicidal again. That part is no fun. I was so discombobulated by the rapid cycling that my friend CJ had to tell me I was rapid cycling.
Today we went out to lunch at Red Bowl with Brad’s parents. They are super nice! I got sushi—an avocado roll and a dynamite roll. I had never tried the dynamite roll before, but it was super tasty!
We had a great time talking about their recent vacation, and my mood (which had been a little low since waking up) improved. I’d say it was a 4 when I woke up, and a 5 after lunch. That’s right in the middle where it should be!
But I have to say that I am not used to reaching out for help a lot when I’m down. So of course, now I have something else to feel guilty about– making other people worry about me! Brad says I always have to have something to worry about.
After lunch we went to the grocery store really quickly, I needed grapes and hummus. Lately I’ve been having hard times when I’m out, so I’ve been holding Hestia a lot. Therefore she has gotten a little rusty in her public access behaviors.
Overall she was really good in the store. But she had a few slip ups. Like the used tissue on the floor was just too enticing, she had to play bow and try to grab it! Luckily her mouth is oddly shaped so she has a hard time picking stuff up lol. And there was one store worker whom Hestia REALLY wanted to go see. I’ve been trying to get her to focus less on others and more on me, so I didn’t let her go. But it was hard for her!
OK, here is my updated plan on what to do when I start feeling suicidal (still very open to feedback!):
immediate: tell Brad
2 hrs: write blog entry
6 hrs: Reach out to a supporter
10 hrs: Call suicide hotline
24 hrs: Remove access to sharp objects and extra meds
36 hrs: Go to hospital