Atypical mothers 1

Mother’s day is hard for me.  And for many other women who are atypical mothers.  For me, it’s not “happy mother’s day”, it is more of “I recognize you on this mother’s day”.

In my case, I lost my one and only pregnancy to a miscarriage about 4 years ago.  When I found out I was pregnant, I went off all my meds cold turkey.  I had lots of mood swings and horrible withdrawals, and even a suicide attempt.  As a result I lost the baby.  I didn’t think I could even have kids until this surprise pregnancy.  While I was in no way ready to care for a child, I was also not ready to lose a child.  I named the baby Hunter.

There are many others out there who are atypical mothers.  Be sure to remember not only the obvious mothers this mother’s day, but also all the silent atypical mothers for whom this day is a sad reminder of paths of life that didn’t pan out, or curves in the road of life that have led to different outcomes.

As for me, I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts on and off today.  I keep remembering being pregnant, unsure of everything, withdrawing, and having severe mood swings.  While I don’t remember much of my suicide attempt first hand, Brad secretly recorded me during it, and I have listened and watched and cried for myself, for Brad, for Hunter.

I feel like it is my fault that the baby did not live because I was so irresponsible.  But I am trying to get over it.  I sent mothers day ecards to my mom, mother in law, and even my sister to try to make it a more fun day for me.  I even sent one to my dad because he was jealous that he didn’t get an ecard lol.  And for dinner, we are going out with Brad’s parents to Zoe’s Kitchen which is a really tasty restaurant.

It will be nice to hang out with Brad’s family.  They are always so positive.  I look forward to not thinking about suicide and my baby for a few hours while I am with them.

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