Time for some free thought typing. Just typing what I am feeling. Talk of symptoms and abuse so may TRIGGER.
Tonight I have been feeling like I am a faker. If only I had motivation, I wouldn’t be on disability and could have a job…. If only I tried harder, I wouldn’t need a service dog…. If only I were a better trainer, my dog would be a full service dog…. Maybe I’m just a lazy slob who wants to tote their cute puppy around with them everywhere.
I feel unworthy of having the good things I have in my life. Like I am not worth the time, energy, and money that goes into maintaining me. Like I have all this wasted potential. As a kid I was always the best at everything, and now here I am on disability and freaking out over having to shower.
And even posting this makes me feel bad because I feel like it is attention seeking behavior.
Brad says this is mental illness talking. He says none of those things are true. He says other people feel the same way that I do, that we are undeserving and fakers. I know that rationally, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it tonight.
Brad says that there are a bunch of other issues that play into things, like my anxiety, and my lots of sleep (12 hrs a night at least needed), and the mood swings and psychoses I would have if I weren’t on meds and didn’t sleep so much. Oh wait, Brad’s reminding me, I was experiencing a psychosis just about a month ago, with Twilight………
One of the other things I’ve been struggling with is my memory. I’ve always easily forgotten the bad and hard times, and only remembered the good (or not remembered at all). Especially since my attempt that landed me in the hospital I’ve had a lot of trouble with my memory in general, besides just forgetting the bad stuff. Brad says it is clear that there is something wrong in my brain. I know Chanda says I have brain damage from my attempt. I don’t know what to think, is that just another excuse for me to be a fat, lazy slob?
One of the problems a bad memory causes is my self doubt fills in the blanks with assuming that I’ve done bad things and am a bad person. Even though I can’t remember anything in particular that was really egregious, and the things I do remember that I think make me a bad person, Brad and Chanda laugh at.
The guy that likely raped me (I have no memory of the event, only before and after, so I am assuming I was at the least sexually assaulted), I got him back for it by sending in those subscription postcards from Seventeen Magazine saying to bill him later. I probably signed him up for delivery for Seventeen magazine like 20 times.
I know I present well, and that lots of others have it worse than me. But getting all this off of my chest and on to paper (or e-paper) I am hoping will help and also remind me when I forget about feeling this way tomorrow.
I’m not asking for sympathy or attention or anything like that. I just wanted to share this part of my journey in hopes that others who feel this way will have some solace that they aren’t the only ones feeling this way.
And now the doggies are insisting I go to bed.